This Is What Schizophrenia Feels Like

This is what schizophrenia feels like,

It’s hearing a crowded coffee shop in a silent office, and hearing nothing in a crowded coffee shop 

It’s a fake flash of light here, a fake bit of white noise there

It’s an object looking upside down, wider, shorter, three inches to the left, and back again, and back again 

It’s turning down the music and realizing half the volume’s in my head

It’s a phone, doorbell, alarm that rings for three days

It’s hearing my name whispered from the next bathroom stall

It’s something always in my peripheral vision that’s never really there  

It’s the “dog” that never needs feeding but can trip me on the stairs

It’s the “corpse” that I can’t shake in the empty spot in the bed 

It’s the “demons” that dance in impossible lines 

It’s real shadows taking shapes and shadows coming from no real object 

It’s putting on noise cancelling headphones that can’t cancel what’s in my head; oh

This is what schizophrenia feels like,

It’s real and it’s not real. 

This is what schizophrenia feels like, 

It’s the, “Even schizophrenia doesn’t make you unworthy of love,” like I thought it was the exception

It’s the caricature of a shouting schizophrenic racist like that’s all we are

It’s the, “Cat? I don’t see a cat,” even when you know it breaks my mind

It’s the romantic tragedy trope for no reason because it sounds extreme

It’s the, “I’m not qualified to help you,” from someone with a wall of degrees and a fake smile

It’s the no, I wouldn’t cure myself if I could—

It’s the no, I don’t know if I’m hallucinating—

It’s the no, I can’t explain—

It’s the, “Did you take your meds today?” 

It’s the playing pretend at first, then 

It’s the uncomfortable expression; when you started talking mental health, you expected depression or anxiety; why?  

This is what schizophrenia feels like, 

It’s too much and it’s not enough. 

This is what schizophrenia feels like, 

It’s the pharmacy isn’t real and neither are you

It’s I have to protect my telepathic notebook

It’s I have to flush the meds flush the meds FLUSH THE MEDS—

It’s you want to hurt me and it’s, Let go of me—!

It’s I have to run away

It’s but only the house is safe

It’s I don’t even know anymore 

This is what schizophrenia feels like,

It’s true and it’s not true. 

This is what schizophrenia feels like, 

It’s staring at the wall seeing nothing

It’s staring at the wall seeing everything you can’t

It’s sinking into a daydream the way I’d sink to the bottom of the ocean

It’s the deeper I sink, the harder it is to surface

It’s but sometimes it’s beautiful down here

It’s characters three steps ahead of my mind

It’s the whole room doesn’t go away for you? 

It’s not noticing fingers snapped in front of my face

It’s limbs going limp 

It’s you’re supposed to be able to control waking dreams?

It’s how do I get back? 

It’s no I don’t control who my characters are 

This is what schizophrenia feels like,

It’s story and it’s fact.  

This is what schizophrenia feels like,

It’s a poem I’ll never get right.