This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s hearing a crowded coffee shop in a silent office, and hearing nothing in a crowded coffee shop
It’s a fake flash of light here, a fake bit of white noise there
It’s an object looking upside down, wider, shorter, three inches to the left, and back again, and back again
It’s turning down the music and realizing half the volume’s in my head
It’s a phone, doorbell, alarm that rings for three days
It’s hearing my name whispered from the next bathroom stall
It’s something always in my peripheral vision that’s never really there
It’s the “dog” that never needs feeding but can trip me on the stairs
It’s the “corpse” that I can’t shake in the empty spot in the bed
It’s the “demons” that dance in impossible lines
It’s real shadows taking shapes and shadows coming from no real object
It’s putting on noise cancelling headphones that can’t cancel what’s in my head; oh
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s real and it’s not real.
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s the, “Even schizophrenia doesn’t make you unworthy of love,” like I thought it was the exception
It’s the caricature of a shouting schizophrenic racist like that’s all we are
It’s the, “Cat? I don’t see a cat,” even when you know it breaks my mind
It’s the romantic tragedy trope for no reason because it sounds extreme
It’s the, “I’m not qualified to help you,” from someone with a wall of degrees and a fake smile
It’s the no, I wouldn’t cure myself if I could—
It’s the no, I don’t know if I’m hallucinating—
It’s the no, I can’t explain—
It’s the, “Did you take your meds today?”
It’s the playing pretend at first, then
It’s the uncomfortable expression; when you started talking mental health, you expected depression or anxiety; why?
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s too much and it’s not enough.
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s the pharmacy isn’t real and neither are you
It’s I have to protect my telepathic notebook
It’s I have to flush the meds flush the meds FLUSH THE MEDS—
It’s you want to hurt me and it’s, Let go of me—!
It’s I have to run away
It’s but only the house is safe
It’s I don’t even know anymore
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s true and it’s not true.
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s staring at the wall seeing nothing
It’s staring at the wall seeing everything you can’t
It’s sinking into a daydream the way I’d sink to the bottom of the ocean
It’s the deeper I sink, the harder it is to surface
It’s but sometimes it’s beautiful down here
It’s characters three steps ahead of my mind
It’s the whole room doesn’t go away for you?
It’s not noticing fingers snapped in front of my face
It’s limbs going limp
It’s you’re supposed to be able to control waking dreams?
It’s how do I get back?
It’s no I don’t control who my characters are
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s story and it’s fact.
This is what schizophrenia feels like,
It’s a poem I’ll never get right.
Very powerful.
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Thank you!
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