On 2020, and More

2020 has been a hell of a year for everyone.  For me, it meant turning twenty-two, buying a home, getting married, writing accomplishments from a tenth NaNoWriMo to self publishing, pandemic quarantine keeping me from my library volunteering, my best friend moving in and then out, going back on meds, reading dozens of books, crochetingContinue reading “On 2020, and More”

On Nightmares, Briefly

It was a nice enough dream until it wasn’t.  I don’t remember the rest of it, but it was uneventful and nostalgic.  I was at the middle school I went to for eighth grade and, as usual, my dad was picking me up from school.  But he seemed uneasy, in a way he’d never expressedContinue reading “On Nightmares, Briefly”

On Psychosis and Writing

I get an idea.  A few minutes later, the very distinct thought: I need to stop thinking about this too hard.  Or I need a pen. My fingers twitch.    Pen. It can’t move fast enough on the page, chaos that will be a brief note in a dated, color coded table of contents.  TuckedContinue reading “On Psychosis and Writing”

On Assorted Illnesses and Language (A Conlang Concept)

As someone into grammar and linguistics, who debates the requirements of a split infinitive and the correctness of implied antecedents and whether you can punctuate dialogue with semicolons, for fun, language is in my head a lot.  As someone with schizophrenia, not to mention autism, language gets messy.  I’ve pondered making a mini constructed languageContinue reading “On Assorted Illnesses and Language (A Conlang Concept)”

On Functionality Thresholds and Medication

So I saw a psychiatrist through an online urgent care service after remembering that it was an option, and started on a new antipsychotic.  I had a lot of mixed feelings about going back on meds.  At first, I felt like it was a cynical move—the action that confirmed the thought that I wouldn’t getContinue reading “On Functionality Thresholds and Medication”

On Hindsight and Blinders, for the Queer and Mentally Ill

Quarantine has made a lot of people get back in touch with each other, and in the year before quarantine, I delightfully seemed to keep ending up with sudden messages from old, out of touch friends.  This always begs the question—what do you say?   Sometimes I start where we left off and bring them upContinue reading “On Hindsight and Blinders, for the Queer and Mentally Ill”

On Knowing Your Mind Is Vulnerable, and What You Do About It

I’m writing.  It’s going really well.  Pages and pages of ink in my beloved dot grid Moleskine.  So many pages, I think to comment to friends about my comparatively unpretentious but equally beloved Bic pen that has somehow lasted me almost sixty total pages, plus about half of my previous Moleskine, and months of WordContinue reading “On Knowing Your Mind Is Vulnerable, and What You Do About It”

On Farrah and Treatment

Previously “Fuck,” I mumbled when my shoulder cramped, which was interesting, because I’d kind of assumed I was nonverbal at the moment, the way my thoughts flowed or didn’t and a familiar feeling somewhere in my throat, though I hadn’t tested it.  I couldn’t blame my shoulder for cramping; my disorientation at speaking came withContinue reading “On Farrah and Treatment”

On the Protection of a Facade

I recently read The Collected Schizophrenias by Esmé Weijun Wang (and I saw so much of myself in it, I’ll probably write a whole other post about how amazing it was).  One theme that jumped out at me can be summed up in this quote: “To some extent, the brilliant facade of a good faceContinue reading “On the Protection of a Facade”

On My Schizophrenia Tamagotchi

“Farrah’s back,” I said at brunch.  “She seems to like mornings.” It was a morning just days ago when Farrah appeared for the first time.  A puppy hiding between the edge of a desk and the wall.  She never got too close, but when I paid particular attention to her, I could, unbidden, feel herContinue reading “On My Schizophrenia Tamagotchi”