Tracking My Fiction vs. My Mental Health at the Time

I’ve been working on my fiction novel, Contrivance, since 2011.  Numerous drafts, huge changes, shifts of universes, new plots, evolving characters, and total do overs.

My goal here is this: trace those changes along with my mental health state at the time.

December 2011

Contrivance is born of a massive Hunger Games fan fiction project.  I’m now creating the characters who will ultimately become the main characters of Contrivance, though, at the time, they’re simply original characters to play a background role in the fan fiction, the Gamemakers, who create the titular Death Game, the Hunger Games.

It’s the holiday season, and I’m running around town, shopping with my dad.  I lean a back to school sale composition notebook on the back of our shopping cart and start on basic character profiles.  Pull names from a list I’ve kept of ideas.  Write interactions to test how these characters go together by the fire and Christmas tree at home. Lavender, my eventual main character, currently the Head Gamemaker, already technically exists, but not in any recognizable form. 

It’s Christmas break of eighth grade.  Days before school let out, I had my first panic attack while working on this series in free time during Algebra I.  Rushed to the nurse’s office and then the ER, I went home early that day, took a day or two off, and went back for the last day before break.

These characters catch my interest quickly.  By New Year’s, I’m on chapter three of the companion story to the series I’m writing that introduces them, distracted from all of life’s new questions.

July 2012

I’ve begun therapy and medication for anxiety.  I’m working on a different companion story to that big series. This one introduces Justice as a character (which we won’t come back to for a while).

I write an original short story, “Contrivance”, using “the Gamemakers”, for a summer program for gifted kids, where I basically take a semester of Creative Writing in three weeks at the local university.  

The universe concept is that in a world where everyone is assigned a job by lottery, promising young people get a chance at the best jobs by proving themselves in a VR simulation called Contrivance, which also matches them to the field where they’ll do best, personalized testing based on analysis of their dreams, which can be recorded.  The short story basically tracks one run of Contrivance the game, taking a few weeks.

A few names and appearances shift with the universe change, suited to something that’s not the Hunger Games’ stylized Capitol.  Some don’t stick, but the ones I feel the need to change here eventually settle out to something new, among other minor changes.  I have to submit two short stories for review over the course of the class.  The instructor tells me that the other is good, but “Contrivance” is clearly where my heart is. And maybe it’s more than a short story. 

April 2013

In January, I had my first psychotic episode, terrifying demonic hallucinations.  The episodes keep coming, hallucinations paired with paranoid delusion or catatonia, tears or panic. 

I begin writing a novel draft of Contrivance for Camp NaNoWriMo, a challenge to write 50,000 words of fiction in one month.  I end up writing over 77,000 words that month.  It goes from Lavender’s job interview for Lead Deviser (the “Head Gamemaker” equivalent) to the completion of the first time she leads Contrivance, about a year later.

I’m permanently stressed and sleep deprived by the magnet school I’m at.  In late March, after receiving a poor grade from a spiteful instructor for a special project that halts all normal classes, I panic, knowing it’ll be incorporated into my English grade.  I ask my English teacher if I can submit a novel I’m writing next month for extra credit.  He’s a little baffled, but says yes.

In this draft, Lavender inherits my psychosis.  It fades in and out in a few more drafts, but mostly doesn’t last. 

April 2014

I do NaNo two more times in the middle.  In July, I write over 93,000 words, a sequel to Contrivance titled Trial, named after a feature of the in universe game.  In this one, the Contrivance test takers are kidnapped by rebels, though Lavender teams up with the usually evil Contrivance Director (who oversees the more administrative/financial side of Contrivance) to rescue them.  To discourage revolution, Contrivance is toned down a bit.  

I’ve started frequently pairing Lavender and Francisco, one of the Devisers, off at the end, though it’s always strangely sudden, and sometimes even in the epilogue, they split up again. 

By April 2014, I’m ready for another draft of Contrivance itself.

A lot of the characters are taking very recognizable shape by now.  Not so much a contradiction of what they were before as a solidification.  Lavender and Malka still have a long way to go, but their relationship is starting to take on the more formal mentor/apprentice turn.  Malka is the former Lead Deviser (the leader of the Devisers, who create Contrivance) and has a lot of advice for her replacement as she steps down, preparing to fully retire.  In this draft, there’s a formal office mentoring program for new employees; Kaye, hired at the same time as Lavender, is involved as well, though from even the short story, Lavender seems to unofficially look out for her.  Here, Lavender and Malka (and Kaye) don’t meet before Lavender’s job interview, though it’s clear Malka’s had her eye on Lavender for the role for quite some time as she went through training.

Meanwhile, my psychosis is getting out of hand, and I leave school, too agoraphobic to leave the house.

July 2014

My parents have gotten a divorce.  I’m planning to homeschool in the fall.  To overcome my agoraphobia, I’ve started going to the weekly NaNoWriMo meetups.

In this July’s NaNoWriMo, Lavender’s hostile relationship with the Contrivance Director (who in previous drafts frequently would do things like use torture just to send a message) comes to a head when the Contrivance Director tortures and plans to kill Kaye, nearby but outside of Contrivance Headquarters, which at this time was an isolated complex in the middle of nowhere.

Lavender and the other Devisers thwart this plan, ending in Lavender killing the Contrivance Director.  Realizing that the people inside the complex are not on their side, they flee into the wilderness, hoping to make it to the actual Contrivance Testing complex to get a hold of the right government officials.

Once they do, Lavender is on trial for voluntary manslaughter, though sentencing gets reduced to probation and fines due to government official standing.  Contrivance’s staffing gets an overhaul to prevent people like the Contrivance Director from getting in, and the Deviers safely return to Contrivance Headquarters, though Lavender is suspicious of the new, innocent Contrivance Director and doesn’t seem to fully recover from all the events, developing severe PTSD.  

This turns into a nervous breakdown and she ends up in a psych ward for part of the novel later.  Malka is effectively the interim Lead Deviser again, as Lavender’s supposed to focus on recovery and not her job (something she struggles with, though she starts to grasp the importance of it).

There were a lot of issues with this draft (see the gaping plot holes), but it got into some interesting themes.  We really start to question the Devisers’ morality outside of even Contrivance, see mixed factions within the government, and explore a lot more mental health themes. 

November 2014

I’m still trying to get the above kind of outline to work, but failing.  Most of the plot is eventually scrapped, along with the role of the Contrivance Director. I don’t finish NaNo. Mostly non verbal for nearly a month due to a mix of dissociation, disorganized thoughts, and distracting hallucinations, I myself almost end up in a psychiatric ward, though in the end I simply commit to sorting out my meds.

February 2015

Writing continues, heavily focused on Lavender and Kaye’s friendship. I’m starting to realize that I care more about the Devisers’ relationships than about any world or plot issues.  

I develop a self-harm problem.  Interestingly, self harm and suicidal ideation are the key mental health issues that plague Kaye. In many early drafts she even attempts suicide, usually towards the end of the novel/series, and successfully. (Rissa, another Deviser, does too. This was in drafts where Malka usually died first of fairly natural causes, resulting in emotional chaos for the Devisers.) 

September 2015

I’ve started community college classes, but it’s not going well. I attempt suicide, an ultimate low point, though it actually turns out to be a key turning point.  I swear off self harm and with only a a few relapses in the next several years, quit entirely.  I’m also around this time diagnosed with autism, schizophrenia, and anxiety.  I’m working on new Contrivance ideas. 

November 2015

This is the first time I finish NaNo again despite a hectic month of family medical issues, though my own are improving, working on Contrivance, but exploring new ideas and writing in random orders, not going for a full draft.  I’ve scrapped the job lottery/ability testing idea for worldbuilding issues, and go for general unethical experimentation instead.

Somewhere in here, I know Malka’s aged moved up a little, about sixty to about seventy. 

In the past year or so, Malka and Lavender’s relationship has become increasingly hostile in every draft.  Malka seems to no longer be there with just perhaps unnecessarily high standards, but seems to exist to criticize and cause problems.  Rather than trying to follow Malka’s advice out of respect for her abilities, Lavender seems to be just trying to tread water. Malka especially interferes in Lavender’s connection with Kaye. 

By the end of the month, I’ve done my first official experimentation with the idea that there’s most history between them than meeting at Lavender’s job interview, starting to roll with the childhood apprentice idea.   

January 2016

Still in a bit of a low spot, I try a collaboration in which the Devisers go on a quest for the government by travelling between universes to meet with my co-creator’s characters, powerful magician sorts working for a military in the other world.  The Devisers will bring them modern war technology and strategy in exchange for magical training.  It’s short lived, but kind of comes back later… 

I’ve started experimenting with the idea that Kaye is autistic, and she occasionally comes into Lavender’s new backstory with Malka, though I can’t seem to make her stay there. I think this is around the time Malka either developed a military backstory or it really became relevant. 

The next month or so, I relapse once on the self harm. 

March 2016

I’m improving mentally, but still stuck on what the plot for Contrivance actually is, so I take a break from it as a serious original fiction project and throw the characters back into something like fan fiction.  I’m wrapping up the fan fiction universe the “Gamemakers”/”Devisers” still do exist in, in their original form, so I try something new.  

It’s still kind of original fiction.  The Devisers, doing experiments for the United States government, conduct their most questionable one yet, based on a now old dystopian novel: The Hunger Games.  Could such a thing really happen?  What were the effects on society?  How did people just let it be? 

I called it Contrivance Chronicles.  There were several more playful, lighter touches here.  Justice joins this cast for the first time, though she’s not a Deviser. In the fan fiction universe, due to character deaths, two new Gamemakers had joined the panel, Zeely and Laya (who’s the sister of one of the Devisers, Thespian, sometimes seen as an intern).  They both appear in Contrivance Chronicles as well, though neither lasted long in most original drafts of Contrivance. Laya got cut altogether by the current draft.  Another character named Jorah sometimes appears briefly, though in about two scenes ever written. A very changed version of them later appeared in a different, currently on hold original project. 

Justice is a secret revolutionary against Contrivance, though she’s conflicted as she volunteers at a community theater, working on putting on the musical Annie, staring all actual talented orphans.  Thespian is her co director, a Deviser who volunteers on his off time.  They bond unexpectedly, and Justice even subtly warns him of an upcoming attack, telling him to keep the Devisers away from that location the day of. Contrivance Headquarters is now set in NYC. Justice keeps some of her revolutionary friends from her original universe, but most of them are starting to fade in importance. 

Meanwhile, Malka pressures Lavender to adopt/apprentice one of the children from the show.  Lavender likes the child, but doesn’t feel ready to be something like a parent.

The project didn’t get terribly far.  There was a lot of silliness here, though some important things start to crop up. 

January 2017

I’m still in a rut on, “What is the plot of Contrivance?”  For the first time in a long time, I start some new original fiction projects that actually get somewhere that aren’t Contrivance, though Contrivance is still what mostly seems to play in my thoughts.  I believe Malka’s name started to change (to Malka) around here or a bit later.

My mental health is mostly improving, and I’m making plans to go to college. 

October 2017

I’ve attempted to go to college in Boston, and things aren’t going so well, and I’m in a psych ward.   

I pretty much have my notebook for company, and I start trying out a new idea, combining Contrivance with one of the projects I started around January, which ends up looking a lot like the collaboration: traveling across universes.  Even Justice finds a place as someone who had left the dark magical group and was now forced to return as part of the deal with the modern US government.  I never actually write much of this, but the ideas were interesting in my head.

I leave Boston in early November and go home.  Eight days later, I meet the love of my life.

April 2018

I moved in with Kate in January, and I’ve even gone off meds.  Everything is looking up, except for a set of mysterious physical health issues no one can diagnose.  I barely write, exploring a few new projects, but barely anything goes on paper. I’m thinking I’ll stop the weird experiments and try to get back to the core of what Contrivance is. 

August 2018

Ah.  So the house I moved into is full of toxic black mold, and I have a pre-existing respiratory condition (a severely deviated septum that means I don’t get as much oxygen as I should).  This gets remediated, though even more time passes as I fully recover. I stop going to NaNoWriMo events locally, though I still want to write for the challenge, despite a slow few months. I’m eager to start sorting ideas out again. 

July 2019

Writing is still slow as I deal with lingering health issues. I got surgery in April for the deviated septum/enlarged turbinates.  I recommend my dad (who I got the nose from) to my ENT.  My ENT looks at my dad’s general medical file and says, “I’m surprised you’re not seeing ghosts.” 

My father abruptly dies at home a few weeks later. 

But all I know is he’s not answering his phone, and now my mom says mail is piling up in front of his obviously unopened front door.  Grandma says he didn’t put the trash bins down on trash pickup day.  Something’s not right.

I use my spare key to get into his house when he doesn’t answer my knocks.

Yeah, something’s not right: he’s been dead for ten days.

August 2019

Coming back from a trip, a long car ride, I start trying to figure out some details for Contrivance again.  I’ve figured out how to get Justice involved, as a former Deviser who left for the revolution and returned, much as she’d left the magicians in that one draft.  Her primary Deviser relationship is not her friendship with Thespian (as it was in Contrivance Chronicles; Thespian appears much closer to another Deviser, Trace, here). Instead, Justice is focused on her romantic relationships with Rissa and Ritter (Rissa’s husband). Her age shifts slightly as needed. The revolution is becoming an important theme again. 

I start to sort out Lavender and Francisco’s relationship.  While he pines, she just doesn’t feel that way about anyone, but she’s aware of his feelings, lending a strange edge to their otherwise close friendship. At least I’m not just throwing them at each other in the epilogue. 

I’ve spent the last several months handling my father’s estate amongst the new trauma.  I’m busy, but I’m creating again. 

November 2019

I finally have tenants move into his house as a rental on the first of this month.  Things are slowing down.  I can work on other things now.

It’s NaNo again, and I haven’t finished it in four years at this point.  But it’s not like I sleep at night anymore, so I may as well write.

The first few days are slow.  I go for miscellaneous Contrivance pieces, which is what I did the last time I finished.  Some interesting ideas are coming out, but nothing of real substance. 

Kate, her friend/coworker, and I go to California on a business trip.  In the car on the way there, I blare Evanescence through my headphones, stare out the window, and will myself to come up with something. 

I’m exploring Malka and Lavender’s relationship a lot again.  It’s… less hostile.  It’s still deeply fucked up for sure, but there’s a norm of a superficial layer of civility at least, and there’s obviously a lot of love somewhere in the messy mix.

So I try writing down ideas for things that could’ve happened in backstory.

One concept jumps out at me.

I do little but sit in the room and write the whole trip.  My hands barely leave the keyboard.  I don’t sleep, I eat only something in the morning and then whatever I made for dinner for Kate and her friend, and I’m distracted whenever I’m not writing. 

This was when the practice interrogation was born.

It’s a gripping idea.  An especially dark take on the world the Devisers live in, the very real threat of a revolution.  People out there want the Devisers hurt or dead.  That’s pretty much always been true, but more of an emotional factor than a logistic threat.

But in this draft, I say, So what do they do about it?

Of course, they have government security, all of those good things.  But backstory for Lavender, at least, starts to include combat training and practicalities.  I kind of skim over these things while I’m gripped by the interrogation idea, but I come back to the full depths of those later.

So I add into backstory that Malka prepared Lavender for a capture scenario.  Gave her some data to keep a secret and spent sixty hours trying to get it out of her.  In various eventual drafts, there was a little bit more preparation before this, or the idea that this was supposed to be more of the start, not the end, of this curriculum. In the end, it’s a bit of both.

As I finish that up, along with a lot of the fallout, the next thing to explore is, of course, the payoff of this.

So I start a new document called “The Devisers Are Captured”.  Later, this becomes the opening scene of Contrivance.  The Devisers are thrown into a hostage situation, this time in Contrivance Headquarters as set in Washington, DC.  Offered the sadistic choice of picking who will get interrogated for information first, Lavender steps up.  The others refuse to quietly agree, many claiming they should go, and Lavender says they should vote.  Everyone votes for themselves, except for Malka, who votes for Lavender. 

Lavender quickly gets separated from the group while the Devisers round on Malka for answers.  Malka reveals the practice.  A book of emotional chaos ensues.

December 2019

Needing worldbuilding that adds up, I change what Contrivance is again, this time opting to go back to the Death Game genre origins, an annual televised simulation of a social collapse scenario, participant households chosen at random, and one surviving, while keeping it original fiction.  I have an awful cold a lot of the month, and so lie around and write a lot.  I sleep from about 10PM to 12AM, and 4AM to 10AM. In the middle, after the nightmares, I write.

February 2020

Just starting to see the PTSD calm down for a bit, I keep rolling with my current Contrivance train of ideas.  Eventually, I run into a wild take on the fallout of their capture, which is, What if they did the practice again? 

But it’s different this time.  Lavender, paranoid that, while their capture and rescue did not result in any leaked information, it would be easy to get information out of her in the future if only their captors tried to play the Devisers against each other, hurting someone she loved and asking her the questions, asks Malka for a new curriculum: resisting the other Devisers being in pain, though without letting any of them know this is happening.  They’re still furious over finding out about the original practice, and none of them would agree to help.  Besides, Lavender doesn’t want to expose them to it. 

Lavender definitely is more than just a victim here, a direction she’s been heading in for a while, much more of an active participant and instigator in the questionable activities her and Malka engage in. 

All kinds of subplots come out of this, and of course, the question: how does this one pay off? 

May 2020

There’s a pandemic. Talk about my novel now being timely. My grandmother passes shortly after the beginning of quarantine. Kate and I are engaged. 

Meanwhile, I start posting Contrivance on a website of my own, snippets that are out of order, presented as a bit of a puzzle.  A lot of it doesn’t go neatly together yet.

July 2020

My mental health declines.  The PTSD at the one year anniversary.  Grandma’s death. The psychosis.  I go back on meds, though I stop attending therapy (now on Zoom) a few months later as I improve.  I’m still working on multiple projects and producing a lot of words.  

December 2020

Kate and I got married last month. I’m doing well, really. I published my first book, a non Contrivance “side project” that got out of hand and is now a popular series of its own. I’ve taken down the Contrivance website and post Contrivance online chapter by chapter as I did the other project, now officially starting for basically the first time since the fan fiction universe somewhere other than Lavender’s job interview: with “The Devisers Are Captured”.  This ages Lavender up a little. I try to make it linear, sensical for new readers, and kill my darlings.

To Be Continued… 

My Schizophrenia Story

When I got my first definitive sign I had a mental illness, I was writing.

I was near the cusp of fourteen and in Algebra I.  December 2011.  Given some time to do homework or such at the end of class, I, as I often did, took to writing.

I was writing a character death scene in which the character in question drowns.  In the ultimate irony, the character in question was schizophrenic—but we won’t get there for a while.

The important thing at the time was that I had a near lifelong fear of water.  Being a desert dweller, it didn’t come up much, but the ocean, especially, or even lakes—drove me into a panic.  I had recurring nightmares about tsunamis or storm surges, drowning.  This scene was close to home.

At some point while writing about this character running out of oxygen, I snapped out of my zone and realized that I actually couldn’t breathe.

Things went quickly from there.  I was rushed to the nurse’s office and then to the ER, hyperventilating on the edge of blacking out, vision going dark, limbs too numb to stand, clutching at the chest pain.

I was diagnosed with my first panic attack.

And after the first, they kept coming.  Over the summer, I started therapy and medication.

About a year later, I was taking a Biology exam when I started being taunted by red, blobbish, demonic figures drowning images of those I loved—down to my cat—in blood, singsonging gibberish insults.

I began having such episodes as frequently as the “old” panic attacks.  I was often delusional—paranoid, physically lashing out at anyone trying to comfort or move me—or catatonic—my arm dropping limply if you lifted it—during.

By spring semester of tenth grade, 2014, it was far too much—especially at this high pressure magnet school—and I left school for a year of homeschooling before I was able to get my high school equivalency a year early.  I was too agoraphobic to leave the house for a while.  It was a critical time for me in many ways.  My parents got a divorce.  I made my first adult friends—all writers—and got into my first serious relationship. I attempted community college for creative writing and made a few bucks writing clickbait.  I volunteered and got involved with NaNoWriMo.  Mostly, I wrote. 

Parts of what at first seemed like—maybe, at the time, were—isolated episodes, became patterns, habits, and day to day, on a much lower level.  Some things, in hindsight, had been with me my whole life.  I sought another diagnosis by now, besides the anxiety and schizophrenia—autism.  I spent most of a month nearly nonverbal, and was almost hospitalized.    

When things got worse, my mood plummeted.  For most of 2015, I fell into patterns of self harm and suicidal ideation, or at least the urge to run far away.  I attempted suicide that September, and it was a turning point.  I swore off self destructive urges, save a few once off relapses I could count on one hand years apart, and threw myself into change.

In the fall of 2017, I left to attend a private four year liberal arts college in Cambridge, MA.  I loved the school.  I loved the town; I loved the people there; I loved my classes.  That wasn’t the problem.

Being too far from home, maybe, on my own, or meds that needed to be adjusted—whatever it was, I landed in a psych ward—finally, after a lot of near misses, hospitalized for the first time, less than two months into the school year.

I tried to stick it out for a while, going back and forth on my decision, but within a few weeks, landed safely home in Vegas, at a loss for what the future looked like.

Eight days later, I met the love of my life.  That changed everything. 

Now, the timing, of course, looked horrible.  But three years later to the day, 2020, we were married in a ceremony in the beautiful home we own, surrounded by people we love, as people pursuing our passions.  I was about to self publish my first book, which would be quickly followed by my second, and was soon to start teaching alternative sexuality classes via webinar (within months, I’d also be running a related local group).  I was going to start taking a household management course online, and was learning how to be an effective landlord.  And, I was a happy housewife who got the girl, the two cats, and the house on the end of the cul de sac.

In the ceremony, our officiant mentioned that we had packed thirty years of marriage into three years of courtship.  Two deaths in my family, and estate handling.  A pandemic.  I almost died of black mold poisoning, all but bedridden for months.  We moved.  I had surgery.  I went off and then back on meds, though I eventually left therapy, for now.  We thought, briefly, my wife might lose her job. Medical emergencies or surgeries for the cats.  Mental and physical health issues.  Panic attacks, sensory overload, hallucinations and delusions, dissociation, depression, chronic pain and fatigue, hypervigilance, flashbacks, and nightmares.  For all the health issues I brought in, I also now had PTSD from one of those family deaths in Summer 2019.

Is everything perfect now?  Is everything solved?  No, but I’m writing on a laptop in front of me with a warm cat in my lap and my beautiful wife three feet away.  The sun is shining; the neighbors’ son plays with his dog outside.  We saw friends and family yesterday and we will today. I have things to do I can’t wait to get to.  In a few months, we’ll vacation in Lake Tahoe—I guess I overcame that water phobia.

And life is pretty good.

Turning Hallucinations into Characters: Are They Any More Real?

She’s here again, so I’m not having as okay of a day as I thought.

The backyard is mostly dark, but she’s there in the shadows of the bushes, darting or teleporting around.  Compared to what I usually see in dark shadows when my mind turns on me?  I’ll take the puppy.

“Hi, Farrah,” I deadpan from the swingset in the AA tone.  It has been a long day, and I no longer care if the neighbors can hear me.  Still, I take out one headphone, still blaring Hamilton, like it matters.

Farrah smiles at me in this way that real dogs don’t really smile, wags her tail and bounds over, under where I swing.  Back through.  Again and again.  Like she’s trying to get me to kick her full speed.  She’s worse than the little kids at the park.  I sigh and, properly distracted, stop swinging.

My darling hallucination races in circles around my feet.  A lot of energy for the evening.  What? I ask her mentally.  You’re not a herding dog.  But she wants me inside, much the way the real cats start herding me to the bedroom around this time.

But it doesn’t seem to be sleep she wants.  I’m determined to sit in the living room and write down an idea I had on the swing before I do anything else.  When I do, Farrah settles down.  I can feel this weird sense of relief on her, like I feel it as my own when I get the idea safely on paper before my mind gives up completely.

I look at my notebook.  This was what she wanted? 

I look back up.  She’s gone.

All right.  I’ve accepted that Farrah’s basically a mirror of my own emotions most of the time, and if everything about her says, “Write now now now,” then I guess now is the time.

… 

Writing Dream Me a Reality is hard at times. There’s a lot of me in it, even more than in most of my fiction, and in a trippy, intimate way. There’s a lot of Farrah in it, too—even more literally.  I give her, from chapter one, the same role in the schizophrenic main character’s life as she has in mine.  So now she’s not only my schizophrenia tamagotchi, but one of my characters.

And my characters, like Farrah, have a little bit minds of their own.  Many authors think of it like that, but for me it’s even a little more true, I think.  My characters jump ahead of me both in plot outlining and in daydreams that slip away from me.  I fade into a somewhat omniscient position in their world and often find it hard to come back whether I want to or not.  When I do, it’s often disorienting, especially if I totally lost track of the real world and snap back abruptly due to the doorbell ringing or dissociation suddenly clearing or such. My world, the real world, goes away entirely, and here I am in theirs, less and less in control the longer I stay in and the emotionally deeper I dive. 

It’s kind of like Ahtohallan in Frozen 2.  You can go deeper and deeper into this world of sensations and memories that are not your own.  To a point, you can get back out, though the journey back gets longer and longer.  After a point, well: 

“Dive down deep into her sound

But not too far, or you’ll be drowned” 

So what does it mean now that Farrah—originally, and, still, a recurring hallucination—is now a character in one of those worlds my mind vanishes to?  Does she get to play a double role in my psychosis, not only entering my world—which my characters don’t—but finding me trapped in one of hers?  Is that why she beckoned me to the notebook—like asking me to come home? 

Usually, when I write, it’s taking something only I can see—the story in my head—and turning it into something other people can read.  It’s creating—Real from Not Real, in a way.  Completely imaginary concepts floating through my brain turn into hundreds of pages I can hold in my hand.  It’s not making the story Real, but making that dreamscape in my head widely accessible, like handing out a key, a map—in the form of a book.   

But if I take something as deeply Not Real as Farrah, and give her that quasi Real form… does she become any More Real?  What if other people can “know” Farrah too—by the power of words on a page?  Does that make her less just a quirk of my brain chemicals?  Someone saying that they hallucinated Harry Potter, for instance, would be much easier to communicate with—in this socially acceptable form of quasi Real—than someone hallucinating some boy with round glasses and a lightning shaped scar who could do magic, with seven books’ worth of story that only they could see.  At that point, we might not share the exact vision of Harry—but I sure have a clue what they’re talking about and the seven years of magic seems a lot “saner”. 

When I write and get feedback, people tell me their thoughts on my characters.  They might have a different opinion than me about their moral stances, or a slightly different picture of what they look like.  They might even go off and have them in their own daydreams, their own versions of them that don’t just follow the script, but are based on their identity more than their role in a plot.  People tell me about gasping when my characters are surprised, holding their breath when they’re afraid, crying when they’re upset, developing crushes on their love interests.  

These characters aren’t just concepts in my head at that point.  They’re out there in the world and I can talk about them with other people the way I talk about people I know in real life, or about Harry Potter.  It’s not uncommon for my wife to walk into a conversation I’m having with my writer best friend and ask, “Wait, are we talking about real people?” (The answer is usually no.) 

So what about Farrah?  If I make her just as accessible as any character—if others can talk about her like someone they know, or like any known fictional figure—is seeing her “saner” now?  Is her identity something like a socially acceptable shared delusion, when we can both hold the key to her world in our hands?

If she got as popular as Harry Potter?  Probably.